Making it through the past couple of weeks has been a bit more difficult than I anticipated. Our family friend Dan passed away very close to the anniversary of my own Father's death, and the demands of school in combination with my own state of being has been difficult to handle. When you combine those issues with increasing financial pressure, and my inability to meet basic needs of our little household in that regard, it simply makes things very difficult. I need to finish a semester, start a new one, and find a new apartment and move in short order.
I think that unless you live it, it's very hard to explain the decisions you have to make as a single parent that have nothing to do with the self. They are sometimes characterized as sacrifice, but how can that be when it is your duty? I am not the innocent life that needs someone to nurture, and love them, and meet all of their needs. It's my sacred duty to take care of my son, and to do otherwise or waver from that for selfish reasons seems an abhorrent idea to me. How anyone could walk away from such a responsibility is beyond anything I can imagine. I think that this profound duty is why it weighs so heavily on me when I cannot do the things that I need to do for my son. He has needs that are not being met at all, and there are things he deserves because he is such an amazing kid, and I cannot provide those things either. How is it that such a responsible, intelligent, amazing kid, who works so hard, is required to go through this part of his life with such a difficult path? Granted when compared to the world, he has it pretty good, but it all teeters on the edge of a knife, and despite popular belief, there is ridicule for those less fortunate, he doesn't bring those concerns to me anymore, but he used to, and I know they still go on. He needs simple things like a medical checkup and dental work, or lunch money, or hangars for his closet. He deserves things like a better flute, a yearbook, a car with insurance, and guitar strings just to name a few things in both categories. Some are things I had when I was his age, and some are things that he really deserves above and beyond what I was given or had an ability to use, because he is a better kid than I ever was. I don't know any other teenagers that pay for their lunch out of their own pocket, but there it is. After fuel and car insurance we're living on about $30 per week give or take. I just found out yesterday that unless Congress passes an extension of the current unemployment policy, my unemployment will run out the first week of January. I've been job hunting in earnest for a bit now, and it's escalating even more, but I was hoping to get something a little better than a minimum wage grease pit. If that's what I have to do though, I'll make that happen.
I've had things to be very thankful for though, so it's not all bad. Thanks to the kindness of a good friend, and action by my Mom, I am now back on a CPAP machine. I was getting much more concerned than I let on about my health in that regard as I was constantly very sleepy, my mental acuity was slipping, I believe it affected my grades for a time, I was getting migraines, and the minor headaches were daily. I think the effects were also counteracting any benefit I was getting from my blood pressure medicine. Health is a huge concern going forward, and I have a plan in place to deal with that and the plan is a lifestyle change with nutrition and an exercise regimen in mind. I don't know if people really understand why I need to build up to it mentally and why I don't just do it... today... I think it's very important for long term success if I spend some time in preparation. This method worked well the only other time I attempted anything remotely like it, and I understand why it stopped. It won't happen again. In the next 3 years I plan to reach a much more ideal weight. Hopefully the exercise and the process will not destroy my knees, but also hopefully, I'll be insured and making enough money by then to afford any corrective action in that realm.
I guess I'm just putting all of this on my blog because unless I link a post to facebook, I don't think people really read this stuff, so I feel like these thoughts will remain in a place where I can go back and reference them, and they will still be somewhat private. I needed to kind of type it all out as a way of well... putting things in black and white so I can see where I stand, and see what needs to be done. I think it's clear that things are so precarious that it is pointless to even begin thinking about the loneliness that permeates my existence. I do not have anyone close enough on a daily basis to be able to express these things or talk about them. If I did it would be a bad thing to bring them down by just laying all of this stuff out there. It's just too negative and stressful to utter really, even if there was a someone. Honestly I'm not sure if I would want to put anyone through this stuff along with me. That would be a selfish act. I'm not into those.
I would like to think that things aren't as unstable as they appear, and that things will be fine. I always used to say to myself; "things will turn out well", or "things will turn out as they should". I can't do that this time. Keegan's school and his future, and my future depend on what I do in the next few weeks, and at the most the next couple of months. It's such a critical time, and there has never been so much at stake as there is now. It's so strange to think that I have (with help) supported myself and my son for the past 16 months on less than $10k (If you don't count income tax returns and student loans and grants). That in itself is quite a trick considering car insurance and fuel alone was around $3,350.00.
This is the climax of the story, and everything else will be looked back at as rising or falling action. A push in either direction could influence things to be triumphant or disaster. If things do push through, and my every intense effort makes headway, and things turn out positive, then I imagine there will be a great sense of satisfaction, and it will push me into a good place I've never been before. That being said, I'm already feeling worn slick, and if things go the other direction... I hate to even think it. I couldn't even have gotten this far without the help of others, some of the help has even been well beyond what I could hope for or deserve. I think that if things went badly it would take a very long time to pick up the pieces, and the path would be just that much harder.
Y'know... I'm a smart guy. I'm very stable and laid back. I'm not a bad person. I'm a good Dad. Maybe better than good. I respect people, and appreciate the things I have and I am thankful for each day, and all of my friends. I relate well with everyone, and I could be so very successful given the right opportunity. People on at least one side of my family have ridiculed me for concentrating on my schoolwork and getting along without a job as long as I could. I couldn't have gotten this far as well as I have without doing what I did. More valuable than that, I've been able to really be there for my son in an important time in his life. I was able to be there for him, and that means a lot, and was worth the sacrifice to this point.
I will find somewhere flexible to work full time, and go to school full time, and try my best to get my son where he needs to be. The logistics alone should be quite an adventure. I think in terms of a big picture, and I may change my mind down the road one day, but for now, I think I've made good decisions. As long as they don't come back and bite me, this is all for a brighter future in my book. The best part about the whole thing is that one day I will be able to help others... and when that day comes, each day after that will be the same. I will teach and I will inspire young people to better themselves and give them the confidence that they can achieve and go further in life than they suspect. I will even be there for some kids who don't have parents that care as much as I do. That is a worthy cause. A cause worth any risk I've taken so far. We are happy despite the stress, and despite the future unknown. To this point things have gone according to plan, and life is good. I appreciate every day so very much. I did stop to smell the flowers, and it was worth every second. I'm not changing now except to preserve what we have, and move forward. Words can never express my thanks to those who have helped us get this far.
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